City Belt

STEWPOT: THE AKON PROBLEM

By Emma Pollin

Editors' note: Talk about timing. The very day Ms. Pollin turned in this column, heavily based on Akon, the Christopher Columbus Drive locale of his now-deceased manager's label Block Royal Entertainment was raided. The Jersey City Police said they seized 700 grams of cocaine and crack, $30,000, four handguns, hollow-point ammunition, four vehicles, and a bulletproof vest.

The problem is this: When I hear the mellifluous voice of Akon, I act irrationally. “Smack That” comes on the radio and basic decency -- never mind political correctness -- demands that I change the station. But I do not. I reach for the dial and, veering from my good intentions, I turn it up. I then proceed to roll down the car windows to air my apparent self-loathing for all the world.

Nor is the problem limited to Akon tracks. I also crank up Dr. Dre’s “The Next Episode,” in which the shorthand for woman is “somethin’ to poke on.” I join my sisters in shame singing “Got Your Money” by Ol’ Dirty Bastard. ODB exhorts us to give him his money and we, in unison and all too eagerly, acquiesce. And I can’t seem to stay off the dance floor when “Ain’t No Fun” comes on. This Death Row ditty, with its deceptively upbeat bassline, irresistibly melodic synth, and sing-along hook, is in the great “posse cut” tradition; each rapper gets one verse to elaborate on the theme of, in this case, hoes. The not-fun situation of course occurs “if the homies can’t have none” of the young lady the narrator is already enjoying.

Even way back in the eighth grade, I shuddered when my dad asked me what my favorite song was. I answered bravely and honestly, if not quite proudly.

“Rump Shaker?”

STEWPOT: TACO BE COLI

By Emma Pollin

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Taco Bell probably should have seen God’s wrath coming when it foisted Fourth Meal (“The Meal Between Dinner and Breakfast!”) on an obese nation. Vengeance came in the form of a deadly bacteria called E. coli 0157:H7. And it came, alas, to New Jersey. The South Plainfield Taco Bell was the epicenter of last month’s outbreak of E. coli poisoning. The restaurant was forced to close temporarily, as were many other franchises across the Northeast.

And guess who had a phenomenal fourth quarter? McDonald’s. Apparently "Inside the Bun" sounds like a nice, safe place to be these days.

 

STEWPOT: NEWS STARS

I knew something was up when I flipped to CNN one day and found myself breaking into an involuntary smile. My joy was triggered by the sight of one John Roberts substitute anchoring what is now cringerifically called AC 360. Never heard of this fellow? Neither had I, hence my delight. Refreshing, indeed, this generic “news man,” blandly reporting the day’s top stories.

That in contrast, of course, with “AC” himself, with his signature Anderson Cooper eyebrow knit, his patented Anderson Cooper sympathy eyes and his trademark Anderson Cooper hand-to-hip gesture of gravity. For the rest of the country, Hurricane Katrina was a tragedy. For Coop, it was career gold. He stood amid the wreckage and told us the unvarnished truth. “Shocking images from New Orleans. What is happening there is an outrage,” he said, opening the show on Sept. 1, 2005. Some considered his subjective reporting an outrage. But he seemed genuinely shaken, and his abandonment of journalistic objectivity fit the desperation of the moment. There was talk of a new kind of TV journalism, with Cooper at its helm.