THE PEACH PIT: AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

By Elizabeth Weill-Greenberg

 Sorry the Peach Pit’s been closed for renovations the last few weeks. It’s been wild. Brandon just came in and wanted his job back after only giving Nat, uh, no notice to take a job at the Beverly Hills Beach Club!

But back to the subject at hand – America’s Next Top Model, cycle 8.

Union-busting must do a body good, because Tyra is more like her cycle 1 or 2 self. If only the same could be said for the girls.

Last season Tyra paraded around like a more-narcissistic-than-usual drag queen. No matter the topic Tyra could make it about herself. But the rumors that Tyra wants to be the next Oprah “When will everyone see I’m a cult leader?” Winfrey must be true because Ms. Banks (ohh, la-de-dah, look at me! I work at The New York Times!) is adopting that down-to-earth every woman’s BFF style that Oprah does so well.

But while Banks is paying homage to her cycle 1 self the girls are a plus-sized model away from Yoanna, Adrienne, Mercedes, Shandi, April, Camille… need I go on? Speaking of Adrienne – she got Paul Robeson’ed yet again this season. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about a quick summary:

Adrienne Curry won the first season of Top Model and then went on to marry Peter Brady and star in several lackluster reality shows on VH1. Ms. Curry trashed Ms. Banks publicly and Ms. Banks has Robeson’ed her ever since.

Robeson’ed: To erase from history, a la when Rutgers University erased the presence of its unbelievably talented communist alumni, Paul Robeson, because of said communism. To wit, Ms. Banks Robeson’ed Ms. Curry when she portrayed all of the previous winners in the opening credits except Ms. Curry and when she dedicated a room to each winner in the Top Model house – all winners, that is, except Ms. Curry.

Ms. Curry’s season had the smartest reality show contestant ever, Atheist Elise, along with Evangelical hypocrite Robin. But they weren’t one-note archetypes, like later seasons’ contestants. They were, what’s the word? Interesting.

This is a mistake most reality shows make. They confuse and conflate interesting with psychotic. The last addictive -- or just plain watchable -- season of Real World was Chicago 2001 complete with low self-esteem sluttiness/sadness, anorexia (reality TV gold!) and unrequited infatuation. But those dramas weren’t played out in the premiere episode, they grew slowly so tension and cliffhangers were created. I don’t want to just see Trishelle (Real World Las Vegas)/Monique (Top Model) throw potato chips and fuck a guy in the hot tub during the first fifteen minutes of the premiere; I want some story lines. But that subtlety and patience seems to be lost on most reality shows after their first few seasons. Instead they just go for girls who bite each other’s hair.

This cycle’s Top Model contestants initially gave me hope that I would have another season of Camilles and Shandis but that’s like watching The Simpsons 2007 and thinking I’ll laugh like it’s The Simpsons 1990. It just won’t happen. Here are a few stand-outs so far:

Natasha: The mail order Russian bride, who seems to not understand English somewhat conveniently. The judges confuse her vacancy for sweetness but she’s manipulative and her narcissism gives Tyra a run for her money.

She’d been pretty lackluster in her shoots until this week when they had to pose nude with ice cream. Um, yeah. I had written something really nasty but deleted it after realizing she might google herself and read it. So, I’ll just say this: Playboy might be your calling.

Renee: A soccer mom gone so, so wrong. Renee blubbers whenever she talks about her son, who she gave birth to pretty damn recently. She’s absolutely vicious in that girl-way whenever someone else is winning. After Brittany, the front-runner, overhears Renee trashing her and confronts her, Renee doesn’t apologize but instead says:

“I’ve been nothing but nice to you, nothing but genuine to you.”

AFTER TALKING ABOUT HER BEHIND HER BACK AND GETTING CAUGHT.

Then Renee tells Brittany she’s acting like an immature high schooler. What??? But you’re the one gossiping! Argh! She’s not even fun to hate. Plus this week they gave her a mullet so now she’s even more annoying.

Whitey: Plus-sized [Size 6-8.]

This week she lectured Brittany about crying too much:

“Why you be crying all the time? When I hear a girl boo-hooing it’s because her boyfriend just got shot or our roommate just got shot. People don’t just cry over every little thing. People cry about major stuff.”

And then, she cried when her friend was rightly eliminated later that episode. Hmm… I didn’t hear any gunshots, did you? Oh, you didn’t either? Hmm… how strange. Bitch, I will confront you on your hypocrisy when it’s your chat night on the CW message board.

Plus she prayed.

And there lies yet another problem with this cycle – no one is really that likable. Yoanna, Mercedes, Shandi, Elise, April – you rooted for those girls. But this season anyone who isn’t hateable is boring or not pretty enough. Like that Southern dead-weight who looked like a Lifetime movie sex slave.

Tyra, go back to your roots: get Janice back, get some hot black girls for Nigel to eye-fuck and bring back whoever was doing your casting cycles one and two. You need smarter, more multi-dimensional girls. Maybe move the show back to New York. It’s close to Jersey so some of our coolness is bound to rub off.  (Ouch!)

And watch some movies or read some word-movies [books] – take note of how a storyline is developed. It’s not just an unrelated series of people screaming and chewing on blankies.

Oh, plus, bring the sex back. There’s been no sex since Cycle Kim. And I don’t mean Real World Las Vegas “We are an advertisement for you to never want to fuck again” sex. I mean slow-roasting attraction, infatuation, maybe even infidelity.

SCORE: 3.95 out of 5 Peach Pits

America's Next Top Model airs on Wednesday nights at 8 pm on the CW.

*******

TRIVIA TIME: What is the profession of the man who Cindy Walsh almost has an affair with during season one? E-mail your answers to elizabeth@citybelt.org.
 
The Peach Pit is a column on trashy TV and DVDs – except when Elizabeth compromises and watches her boyfriend’s choices.

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Comments

Word-movies. Do you mean like The Babe Ruth Story or Old Yeller or something? Trees chopped up into really thin pieces? I think I've watched those before.

BTW are you saying that infidelity is the hottest form of sex?

[charles egwuonwu]

i luv your program

[Shane Smith]

I'm not sure what Charles there was referring to, but I luv ANTM and I luv your column.

I'm tired of the Omarosas and the Tonyas of reality tv. No, that's not quite right. Actually, I'm 100% obsessed with them; it's the Jeffrey Sebelias and the Moniques that piss me off: the ones that poorly imitate the true reality maniacs in a bid for airtime.

You're absolutely right that Elyse was one of the smartest reality contestants ever, and she was also one of the most well-adjusted. She is the reason I can watch cycle 1 marathons anytime, anywhere, for hours. I still get excited in that '80s-highschool-movie-finale way whenever she's about to say, "I don't think anyone *deserves* to win. A modeling contract is not a basic human right."

This season, I've got high hopes for Jael. At first, she seems like just another midwestern pothead rocker-grrl, with just an extra hint of trailer. And then her friend gets dead. (I'll confess to entertaining the notion that the show had something to do with it; remember how the same thing happened to Kahlen in Cycle 4? It was much more dramatic then, but I guess that's why it pays to have writers.) Anyway, I was honestly really impressed by the way she handled it: not "Everybody, look at me crying, my friend is dead, aren't I beautiful and tragic, and beautiful? Being a model is so hard!" It was more like, "This really sucks, and I don't feel like talking about it." And she was so gracious at judging! Didn't make a big deal, despite Tyra's best efforts to draw her out. Shed a few dignified tears, thanked the panel for their sympathy, took her critiques and got back in line.

I'm also sort of hoping that Jael turns out to be the other interesting reality character type who doesn't get enough attention: the true maniac who keeps it covered up. Yes, I'm talking about Bre. I could watch Bre pick her toes for 11 hours and be absolutely content. Bre is significantly deranged, but for almost the whole season, she had me eating out of the palm of her hand: I thought she was gracious, professional, and I believe I once even said, "she's got a great outlook". And boy, could that bitch take a picture! Then, suddenly and apropos of precisely NOTHING, she turned on Kim, with murder in her eyes. Chilling. Not to be outdone, of course, Jayla unleashed her own snarling aggression from the other end of the limo, while Lisa sat in the middle, munching happily on pork rinds. A few minutes later, Bre is stroking Kim's hair and wiping away her tears and referring to herself as Kim's "mama". (NB: Whitney has already attempted this move this season, but without the conviction that made it so terrifying in Bre.) Meanwhile, however, the show made Jayla, who was basically just an aggro brat, and Lisa, a dim bulb who liked to drink wine and go skinny dipping in the hot tub*, out to be the villains of the season and virtually ignored Bre's florid psychosis. Of course, what do you expect from the people who have crowned Naima, Nicole, and Dani(elle), and snubbed Mercedes, Joanie, and AJ?

*See also Ruthie of Real World Hawaii, who was care-fronted about her 'alcoholism' and 'erratic' behavior, which looked to me like typical Rutgers-girl fun.

[Discount Hermes Kelly]

Very, very nicely done!