THE PEACH PIT: GOLDEN GLOBES

By Elizabeth Weill-Greenberg

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So I have a dilemma: the Golden Globes are on tonight. Every year I tell myself not to watch but I always do. The middle-class girl in me always hopes merit will be recognized but it rarely, if ever, is.

It’s a night that pretends to reward talent but really just rewards the prettiest and often youngest women. I know what you’re probably thinking: It’s Hollywood! Duhburgerfriesketchupplease! (Smith, Shane; ©2006)

But what really bothers me is the legitimacy it seems to give actresses once they win. Like, Angelina Jolie isn’t just a globe-trotting, UN Goodwill Ambassador (shame on you, UN, shame!), baby-shopper, she’s a legitimate ack-tress. Jolie won a Golden Globe and Oscar for Girl, Interrupted. Nothing like the cliché of a troubled, beautiful lass to scream awards gold!

The last few years of best actress Oscar and Golden Globe winners have read like People’s 50 Most Beautiful: Julia “How can I still have a career after everyone finally realized I can’t act on Broadway?” Roberts, Halle Berry, Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and that most contrived of actresses, Reese Witherspoon.

But the Oscars and Globes don’t just reward beauty. They reward beauty turned ugly -- Charlize Theron for Monster, Nicole Kidman for The Hours. Right -- because there are no underemployed or out of work chubby actresses with big noses. Why don’t you come to a Greensteinberg family reunion – take your pick of the litter!

When actresses like Theron or Kidman “transform,” it becomes part of the movie narrative. Do you know what she had to do for this role? Eat nothing but pasta and cookies for six months! She didn’t even shower!

Which leads to the other narrative that typically plays out: the prejudices against beautiful women in Hollywood. This is an obstacle Oscar winner Halle Berry seems particularly fond of telling:

CNN’s Daryn Kagan: Not discriminating necessarily because of skin color, because the character calling for that, but kind of discriminating for beauty. Oh, she's too pretty. She couldn't do that role.

Berry: Isn't it always something in my life?

CNN: What is it about you, Halle?

Berry: If I'm not black, then I'm too Revlon. If I'm not this, I'm too that.

But that's become normal for me, you know, and I'm always up to a good fight and to a good challenge. And I was really just lucky to be able to convince them to give me a chance.
(CNN, March 25, 2002)

"I started out as a model. I've always had to struggle to prove that I'm more than just a shell. I had to fight really hard for Losing Isaiah. When I auditioned, I heard people say, 'Halle Berry's too beautiful for this role.'”
(Essence Magazine, 1996)

Oh, I hear you. I always have to tell prospective employers, “Listen, I know I look too glamorous, too beautiful, too entré nous, but, trust me, I can do this. I can answer phones, make coffee and sign in customers. Just give me a chance.”

Anyway, I’ll totally watch tonight – I’m dying to see reaction shots of the new Cameron Diaz/JT/Scarlett Johansson love triangle. So here are my picks for a few of the Golden Globes. (Full disclosure: I haven’t seen any of these movies but that’s what previews, Entertainment Weekly and Us Weekly are for, right?)

Best Picture: I really don’t care much who wins this category. However I’ll say anyone but Babel because how much more can Jennifer Aniston take? Post-divorce Brad Pitt is a member of People’s World’s Most Beautiful Family and the woman he left Aniston for is named the World’s Most Beautiful Person.

Prediction: Babel

Best Actress-Drama: I’d like Judi Dench because she’s old and wrinkled. Plus the movie previews totally made me want to Netflix Notes On A Scandal. But really anyone but Penelope Cruz will be fine. I’d never seen Cruz in a movie until this past year where I had the misfortune to watch her in Vanilla Sky and the abysmal All About My Mother.

I fell in love with Almodovar for his anti-war speech at the 2003 Oscars but had never seen his movies.

Oy.

After watching several of them (All About My Mother, Bad Education, Talk To Her) I can say with certainty: I hate his films. There’s no real narrative or storyline and the characters aren’t really people, just caricatures or means to his end.

Prediction: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Best Actor-Drama: Anyone but Will Smith.

Best Picture-Comedy: Anything but Borat. Once I saw a picture of Borat in that infamous neon green banana swimsuit I couldn’t wait to see the movie. My best friend giggled uncontrollably when she told me how he led a barful of people in singing, “Throw the Jew Down the Well.” From what I saw, Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat uncovered the racism and anti-semitism barely beneath the surface, covered only by people’s sobriety.

But then I watched the previews. The scene that really turned me off was the etiquette lesson in a Southern home. We all know it by now but a quick review:

Borat sits at dinner. He asks the host if the pretty ladies sitting on either side are his wives. The host says no and points to his wife. Borat replies something like, “In my country we would very much like these two.”

Then motioning to the man’s wife, Borat says, “Her, not so much.”

Wow, hilarious. Why don’t you ask the chubby, unibrowed girl in Mr. Stringer’s fifth period class to sit on a broken chair?

Political satire and commentary done well, without humiliation, is nearly impossible. Dave Chappelle can do it but I can’t think of many others – probably Eddie Murphy in his pre-family movie days. The “anchors” on The Daily Show often can’t. They slip lazily into mean-spiritedness and mock some Schlomo Greenstein who just isn’t cool enough to know he’s being made fun of. Now doing that to a public figure is one thing but to just some regular, everyday person is another.

Prediction: Borat

Best Supporting Actor-Comedy, Musical: Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy. Long unrecognized for his astute satire of American racism, he was Dave Chappelle before the country was ready for Dave Chappelle.

Prediction: Eddie Murphy

MORE THE PEACH PIT

The Peach Pit is a weekly column on trashy TV and DVDs – except when Elizabeth compromises and watches her boyfriend’s choices.

Comments

[Stanley]

After checking out your first column, I must say I am quite surprised to see your second column smackdown of one of today's cinema masters, Pedro Almodovar. I thought you were smarter than that, Ms. Greenberg.
So who's your favorite modern director, eh?

Otherwise, spot-on on Borat.

[Emma Pollin]

But did you see how incredibly hot SBC is out of costume? We need more members of the Tribe like that. Objectify him--you'll feel better!

[Erica]

I never cared for Penelope Cruz either, but she is incredible in "Volver". You should see it - truly - I'm amazed it was directed by a man. Maybe I prefer storylines which are more circular.

SBC is rude and offensive to me. Also there is something unseemly about tricking and insulting people on film like that - even if they are racist jerks. I don't think there is a soul alive who is not racist or something-ist; at least a teensy-weensy bit; not even Cohen himself. And his GG acceptance speech was disgusting and uncalled for.

[tory]

Didn't I tell you, straight out, not to tell ANYONE that we don't like Almadovar? Clearly I have to say it again. Sweety, we are the only two people in the world who don't like Almadovar movies. EVERYONE else does. Ergo, you must NEVER breathe a word of our true feelings. This is truly the hate that dare not speak its name.

[Shane Smith]

Tory, Buffy: til recently you could have added me to the list of Almodovar-haters. I found All About My Mother and especially, *especially* Bad Education preachy, precious, and boring. But Volver is AMAZING. I suppose everyone can get one right if they keep getting greenlighted. In this movie, even Penelope Cruz, who normally makes me want to gouge my eyes out, is totally wonderful. I'm not a convert for either one of these overhyped hacks, but I do think they deserve to get the credit due them for Volver.

Kudos on all the other points, which are spot-on. (except for my ongoing minor disagreement with you about Reese...)